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Robert Durst, Real Estate Heir Convicted Of Murder, Dies
Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?
Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine
Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet…
Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy
SEATTLE—Seeking damages from its competitors totaling tens of billions of dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly filed a lawsuit Tuesday against thousands of charities for infringing on its trademark concept of philanthropy. “It has unfortunately come to our attention that there are charitable…
Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring
Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.
Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere
EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis…
San Francisco Skyscraper Tilting 3 Inches Per Year
Engineers are rushing to stabilize San Francisco’s Millennium Tower, a 58-story, 645-foot tall luxury residential skyscraper that has been sinking into the ground by three inches per year, and is now leaning over two feet off of center. What do you think?
Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review
NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start…
Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past
MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the…
Report: Majority Of Men In Hard Hat, Coveralls Actually Members Of Heist Team In Disguise
PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10…
Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions
Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet
Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.
Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way
BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when…
Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle
BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos,…
Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side
GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to…
Toddler Riding In Bike Trailer Like Mysterious Aristocrat Arriving For Week-Long Sojourn From London
Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio
Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?
Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children
Stating that it “takes away our humanity,” Pope Francis made comments criticizing the selfishness of couples who choose to have dogs and cats instead of children. What do you think?