“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”
Airbnb has apologized and taken down listings of properties that once housed enslaved people in the U.S., days after a TikTok user lambasted an “1830’s slave cabin” rental in Mississippi that was advertised on the platform as a bed-and-breakfast accommodation. What do you think?
WESTFORD, MA—Rising above the maelstrom of violence and disorder perpetually raging inside the man’s psyche, a single voice reportedly emerged Thursday from the chaotic whirlwind in the head of Brad Larrick, 33, to suggest he eat an oatmeal raisin cookie. “Go to your cupboard, open the package, and eat an oatmeal…
TRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In hindsight, the decision to place a park for dogs to run around…
PENSACOLA, FL—After multiple violations resulted in the man being forcibly escorted from the establishment Thursday, sources reported that area man Stewart Quillings, 32, was thrown out of a strip club for allegedly touching a stripper’s heart. “He was told several times not to get close to the dancers, but he just…
U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Taiwan late Tuesday, becoming the highest-ranking American official in 25 years to visit the self-ruled island claimed by China, which quickly announced that it would conduct military maneuvers in retaliation for her presence. What do you think?
Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, doctors have reported a marked uptick in vasectomies. The Onion asked men why they underwent the procedure, and this is what they said.
WASHINGTON—Pulling no punches in her negotiations with the president, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) demanded Joe Biden’s tie as one of the conditions for her support of the Inflation Reduction Act, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not opposed to closing the carried interest…
SAN ANTONIO—Agreeing to go through with the plan should they continue to rate as a two or lower when the appointed date arrived, friends Laura Reilly, 31, and Josh Martindale, 32, made a pact Wednesday to get married if they were both still ugly when they turned 40. “If we both go all the way through our 30s without…
A passenger traveling from Bali, Indonesia to Australia was fined $1,874 after failing to declare two egg-and-beef sausage McMuffins and a ham croissant, which are classified as potential high-biosecurity risk items. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas prices, inflation, or anything like that and just have a fun, spooky…
SAN FRANCISCO—Touting new functionalities that it said would lead to vast improvements in the customer experience, Uber Technologies announced Wednesday that its ride-sharing app would now allow users to rate the ethnicity of their driver. “Once you complete your trip, the app will prompt you to give a star rating, or…
CHICAGO—Having already spent 15 minutes searching for a place to park his vehicle, frustrated fire truck driver Trevor Boyce was reportedly taking another spin around the block Wednesday after the only open spot he found was in front of a fire hydrant. “It’s not worth it if I get a ticket,” said Boyce, adding that he…
Donald Trump’s ex-wife, Ivana Trump, has been laid to rest near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club, with tax experts saying that, if designated a cemetery, the property will be exempt from property taxes under New Jersey law. What do you think?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan has led to heightened tensions between China and the U.S. over the island’s political status. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Pelosi visiting Taiwan.