The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 18 hours 23 min ago

Americans Explain Why They Support Going To War With China

Thu, 2022-08-04 09:01

“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Airbnb Removes ‘Slave Quarters’ Listing Marketed As Luxury Getaway

Thu, 2022-08-04 06:45

Airbnb has apologized and taken down listings of properties that once housed enslaved people in the U.S., days after a TikTok user lambasted an “1830’s slave cabin” rental in Mississippi that was advertised on the platform as a bed-and-breakfast accommodation. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Single Voice Emerges From Whirlwind Of Chaos In Man’s Head To Suggest He Eat Oatmeal Raisin Cookie

Thu, 2022-08-04 06:30

WESTFORD, MA—Rising above the maelstrom of violence and disorder perpetually raging inside the man’s psyche, a single voice reportedly emerged Thursday from the chaotic whirlwind in the head of Brad Larrick, 33, to suggest he eat an oatmeal raisin cookie. “Go to your cupboard, open the package, and eat an oatmeal…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Apologetic City Officials Admit Expressway Median Wasn’t Best Location For Off-Leash Dog Park

Thu, 2022-08-04 06:15

TRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In hindsight, the decision to place a park for dogs to run around…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Thrown Out Of Club For Touching Stripper’s Heart

Thu, 2022-08-04 06:00

PENSACOLA, FL—After multiple violations resulted in the man being forcibly escorted from the establishment Thursday, sources reported that area man Stewart Quillings, 32, was thrown out of a strip club for allegedly touching a stripper’s heart. “He was told several times not to get close to the dancers, but he just…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nancy Pelosi Arrives In Taiwan Despite China’s Warnings

Wed, 2022-08-03 16:01

U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Taiwan late Tuesday, becoming the highest-ranking American official in 25 years to visit the self-ruled island claimed by China, which quickly announced that it would conduct military maneuvers in retaliation for her presence. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Men Reveal Why They’ve Decided To Get Vasectomies

Wed, 2022-08-03 09:24

Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, doctors have reported a marked uptick in vasectomies. The Onion asked men why they underwent the procedure, and this is what they said.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘And I Want Your Tie Too,’ Says Sinema, Giving Biden Conditions Of Her Support For Bill

Wed, 2022-08-03 09:21

WASHINGTON—Pulling no punches in her negotiations with the president, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) demanded Joe Biden’s tie as one of the conditions for her support of the Inflation Reduction Act, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not opposed to closing the carried interest…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Friends Make Pact To Get Married If They’re Both Still Ugly When They’re 40

Wed, 2022-08-03 07:15

SAN ANTONIO—Agreeing to go through with the plan should they continue to rate as a two or lower when the appointed date arrived, friends Laura Reilly, 31, and Josh Martindale, 32, made a pact Wednesday to get married if they were both still ugly when they turned 40. “If we both go all the way through our 30s without…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Passenger Fined $1,874 After 2 Undeclared McMuffins Found In Luggage

Wed, 2022-08-03 07:15

A passenger traveling from Bali, Indonesia to Australia was fined $1,874 after failing to declare two egg-and-beef sausage McMuffins and a ham croissant, which are classified as potential high-biosecurity risk items. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Desperate Biden Announces Halloween Will Now Happen Every Month

Wed, 2022-08-03 06:45

WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas prices, inflation, or anything like that and just have a fun, spooky…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Uber App Now Allowing Passengers To Rate Driver’s Ethnicity

Wed, 2022-08-03 06:30

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting new functionalities that it said would lead to vast improvements in the customer experience, Uber Technologies announced Wednesday that its ride-sharing app would now allow users to rate the ethnicity of their driver. “Once you complete your trip, the app will prompt you to give a star rating, or…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Frustrated Fire Truck Driver Takes Another Spin Around Block After Only Open Spot In Front Of Fire Hydrant

Wed, 2022-08-03 06:15

CHICAGO—Having already spent 15 minutes searching for a place to park his vehicle, frustrated fire truck driver Trevor Boyce was reportedly taking another spin around the block Wednesday after the only open spot he found was in front of a fire hydrant. “It’s not worth it if I get a ticket,” said Boyce, adding that he…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

ATV Driver Goes Off-Cliffing

Wed, 2022-08-03 06:00
Categories: The Onion

Trump Accused Of Burying Ex-Wife Ivana At Golf Club For Tax Breaks

Tue, 2022-08-02 16:24

Donald Trump’s ex-wife, Ivana Trump, has been laid to rest near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club, with tax experts saying that, if designated a cemetery, the property will be exempt from property taxes under New Jersey law. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

What To Know About Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip

Tue, 2022-08-02 16:03

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan has led to heightened tensions between China and the U.S. over the island’s political status. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Pelosi visiting Taiwan.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion