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SAT Rebuts Claim That Test Classist Due To Wine Tasting Portion

Mon, 2022-03-28 08:00

NEW YORK—Responding to long-standing criticisms of the standardized test, the College Board released a statement Monday rebutting the claim that the SAT was classist due to its wine-tasting portion. “While we appreciate concerns about this portion of the exam, we’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache…

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Goldman Sachs CEO To DJ At Lollapalooza

Fri, 2022-03-25 14:56

Lollapalooza has announced this year’s music festival lineup, which includes a performance by 60-year-old Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who is a dance music DJ outside his day job. What do you think?

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Ginni Thomas Dismisses Text Messages To Mark Meadows As Regular, Run-Of-The-Mill Infidelity

Fri, 2022-03-25 14:50

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of text messages that suggested she had urged the White House chief of staff to overturn a presidential election, conservative activist Ginni Thomas told reporters Friday her controversial exchanges with Mark Meadows were nothing more than regular, run-of-the mill infidelity. “I…

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Smithsonian Devotes New Exhibit To First African American To Use Whites-Only Glory Hole

Fri, 2022-03-25 13:20

WASHINGTON—In a tribute to a brave Civil Rights pioneer who helped the nation cross a momentous threshold, the Smithsonian Institution dedicated a new exhibit Friday to the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. “I remember being scared, of course, with all those angry white people jeering at me as…

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HBO Executives Hoping George R.R. Martin Finishes Final ‘Euphoria’ Book Before Next Season

Fri, 2022-03-25 13:00

NEW YORK—Expressing concern for the future of one of their most popular series, HBO executives revealed their hopes Friday that George R.R. Martin would finish writing the final Euphoria novel before it was time to start production on the show’s next season. “As a celebrated and beguiling storyteller, George is really…

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Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine

Fri, 2022-03-25 10:49

With Russia waging an unceasing and violent war in Ukraine, Hollywood stars are stepping up and using their money, fame, and influence to help. We asked several celebrities how they are aiding Ukrainians, and this is what they said.

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Biden Cuts NATO Summit Short To Squeeze In Chocolate Tour Of Brussels

Fri, 2022-03-25 10:37

BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden reportedly cut a NATO summit short Friday in order to squeeze in a chocolate tour of Brussels. “Does anyone mind if we wrap this up early? I’ve got nonrefundable tickets to the afternoon chocolate tour,…

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Planned Parenthood Unveils New Heat-Seeking Abortion Drone

Fri, 2022-03-25 10:36

NEW YORK—Touting its state-of-the-art technology capable of detecting a fetus just three weeks after conception, Planned Parenthood announced Friday that it had developed and built its first fully functional heat-seeking abortion drone. “This drone, which features an intrauterine infrared camera and 3,000 pounds of…

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Kid Rock Claims Trump Sought His Advice On North Korea, Islamic State

Fri, 2022-03-25 08:00

Music performer Kid Rock has claimed in a recent interview that former President Donald Trump asked him for advice about U.S. policy on North Korea and the Islamic State while visiting the White House in 2017. What do you think?

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Lindsey Graham Bursts Into Confirmation Hearing With Rifle, Demands Senators Free The Children Now

Thu, 2022-03-24 15:54

WASHINGTON—Sending frightened lawmakers and staffers scattering for the exit, Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly burst into Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing Thursday brandishing a rifle and demanding that the senators free the children now. “Where are they? I know you’re hiding them,” said…

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‘The Bachelor’ Turns 20

Thu, 2022-03-24 15:34

The first episode of reality TV show The Bachelor aired Mar. 25, 2002, kicking off a juggernaut dating-show franchise that has so far featured 26 seasons and multiple spinoffs, including The Bachelorette. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from The Bachelor’s first 20 years.

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BREAKING: Former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, 67, Will Die

Thu, 2022-03-24 15:29

STANFORD, CA—Offering sympathy and verifying widespread reports about the former secretary of state’s health, sources confirmed Thursday that Condoleezza Rice, 67, will die one day. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I share with you the news that Secretary Rice, who dutifully served her country…

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Workers Repairing Notre Dame Discover Ancient Tombs

Thu, 2022-03-24 15:18

Archaeologists working on Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral following its devastating fire in 2019 discovered several tombs under the floor of the famous church that likely date back to the 14th century. What do you think?

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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Spring-Cleaning Products

Thu, 2022-03-24 14:15

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these

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U.S. Announces It Will Allow Ukrainian Refugees After Deporting 100,000 Central Americans Seeking Asylum

Thu, 2022-03-24 13:41

WASHINGTON—In the face of international criticism over not accepting enough people fleeing the war-torn nation, U.S. officials announced Thursday that they would admit Ukrainian refugees after deporting 100,000 Central American asylum-seekers. “We must do our part to support those fleeing Russia’s horrific attacks,…

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