The Onion

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Updated: 12 hours 36 min ago

Economic Report Finds Majority Of Americans Could Afford To Toss Couple Bucks Our Way To Keep Us From Going Under

Fri, 2021-10-01 10:45

WASHINGTON—Touting the increasing share of residents with enough disposable income to save a cultural institution, a new economic report from the Zweibel Research Institute issued Friday found that the majority of Americans could afford to toss a couple of bucks our way to keep us from going under. “Our findings…

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Biologist Chases Invasive Moth Species Through Crowded Chinatown Marketplace

Fri, 2021-10-01 10:40

NEW YORK—Shoving passersby and street vendors out of the way as he maintained a hot pursuit, biologist Luke Thompkins was reportedly chasing an invasive moth species Friday through a crowded Chinatown marketplace. “Stop that moth! It’s already ravaged dozens of local tree populations!” the Columbia University ecology…

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Teenage Actress Going Through Awkward Phase Between Cute And Sexualized

Fri, 2021-10-01 10:35

LOS ANGELES—Calling it “a tough period to navigate,” sources confirmed Friday that popular teenage actress Makayla Caracci was going through that awkward stage between cute kid and hyper-sexualized young adult. “She just turned 14, so she’s at a difficult age when her audience has dwindled to a few of her fellow…

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Disney World Turns 50

Fri, 2021-10-01 10:35

Since Disney World opened on October 1, 1971, it has become the most visited vacation resort in the world, with nearly 60 million annual visitors. The Onion looks back at key moments in the theme park’s 50-year history.

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Breaking: All Of World’s Problems Solved Overnight While You Were Sleeping

Fri, 2021-10-01 10:30

NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed,…

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U.S. Declares 23 Species Extinct, Including Ivory-Billed Woodpecker

Fri, 2021-10-01 07:00

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed moving 23 species from the Federal Lists of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants to a list of extinct species, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, while citing humans as the ultimate cause. What do you think?

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Alabama Plans To Use Covid Relief Funds To Build Prisons

Thu, 2021-09-30 16:21

Alabama, which has the highest death rate from Covid-19 in America, is planning to use $400 million from the American Rescue Plan, nearly 20% of the state’s pandemic relief money, to build three new prisons. What do you think?

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World’s Largest Dinosaur Shoe Print Discovered In Australia

Thu, 2021-09-30 14:25

QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA—In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the mobility, migratory habits, and fashion sensibilities of a species that lived 94 million years ago, researchers at the Brigham Young University announced Thursday they had unearthed the world’s largest dinosaur shoe print. “Thanks to its…

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Signs You Definitely Smoke Too Much Weed

Thu, 2021-09-30 13:00

Research has found no stronger indicator of excess weed smoking than being Derek.

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Remorseful Poster Deletes Comment After Accidentally Telling Wrong Stranger To Kill Self

Thu, 2021-09-30 12:44

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply…

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Unvaccinated United Flight Attendant Confident She Can Get Work On Medieval Plague Ship

Thu, 2021-09-30 12:20

BOSTON—Explaining that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I figure all I need…

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Man Asks If Clinic Has Any Visual Aids He Can Use To Produce Urine Sample

Thu, 2021-09-30 12:20

LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was…

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