LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people. “The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith’s actions, which served as a…
SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you,” said Faraz…
The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.
CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was because of how much beer I was drinking, but now that happens as a…
YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life,…
CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic items, like a quarter pounder with cheese, small fries, or four…
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my signal over the intercom, I want teachers to lock their…
Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you think?
Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you think?
All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.
CHICAGO—Noting that the guy looked oddly familiar, local resident Chris Reynolds told reporters that he was pretty sure the other person he saw in his building’s laundry room Monday had been his next-door neighbor for 12 years. “Huh, yeah, I know that guy—I think we’ve lived down the hall from each other for the…
Uber has announced it will partner with NYC taxis to list the city’s 13,000 yellow cabs on its app in a deal between the two competing services that comes after the ride-sharing company was hit with driver shortages due to the pandemic. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—In a generous gift intended to enrich the lives of residents and tourists alike, wealthy couple Louise and Richard Morris launched plans Monday to establish an art museum that would foster public appreciation for exactly how wealthy they are. “When Richard and I thought about how to best put our resources…
WASHINGTON—Wondering if she had missed an email or a meeting that would help explain what was going on, Vice President Kamala Harris froze while at her computer Monday after seeing a listing for the position of Vice President posted on the White House careers page. “There can’t be two vice presidents,” said Harris,…
NEW YORK—Responding to long-standing criticisms of the standardized test, the College Board released a statement Monday rebutting the claim that the SAT was classist due to its wine-tasting portion. “While we appreciate concerns about this portion of the exam, we’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache…
Lollapalooza has announced this year’s music festival lineup, which includes a performance by 60-year-old Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who is a dance music DJ outside his day job. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of text messages that suggested she had urged the White House chief of staff to overturn a presidential election, conservative activist Ginni Thomas told reporters Friday her controversial exchanges with Mark Meadows were nothing more than regular, run-of-the mill infidelity. “I…