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Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine

Wed, 2022-03-16 17:32

SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk has challenged Russian president Vladimir Putin to a “single combat” fight for the fate of Ukraine in a tweet directed at the Kremlin’s official account. What do you think?

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Potential Outcomes For Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine

Wed, 2022-03-16 13:10

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in late February began a series of brutal hostilities that have left hundreds of civilians dead and led to increased tensions, sanctions, and weapons deployments from allies on both sides. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

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Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests

Wed, 2022-03-16 11:00

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move hailed as a bold and innovative step for the company, officials at Airbnb told reporters Wednesday they had begun testing a new feature that would permit Black guests to find lodging through the platform. “Since we started back in 2008, only white people have been able to secure bookings with…

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Worst Things You Can Say To A Bartender On St. Patrick’s Day

Wed, 2022-03-16 10:40

Even if you don’t remember it’s St. Patrick’s Day, your server definitely will. When you’re out at a bar celebrating, try not to say the following things.

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Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting

Wed, 2022-03-16 10:28

NEW YORK—Explaining why she was in such high demand as an expert witness in courtrooms and as an analyst on news programs, body language specialist Linda Rothbaum told reporters Wednesday that she could discern with almost 90% accuracy whether a person was sitting. “While there’s always room for error, my training in…

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Refugee Probably Only Got Accepted To Country Because His Dad Was A Refugee

Wed, 2022-03-16 10:26

NEW YORK—In what appeared to be another flagrant case of American nepotism, sources reported Wednesday that a refugee probably only got accepted to this country because his dad was a refugee. “Fucking legacy migrant—I’m sure they waved him in as soon as they saw who his father was,” said local resident Shawn Castor,…

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Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery

Wed, 2022-03-16 10:23

SOUTH PORTLAND, ME—Stressing that there must have been some sort of mix-up in the ordering process, local man Tim McGowan told reporters Wednesday that the coleslaw portion he had received at Rose’s Diner was so generous that it felt like he was getting away with robbery. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated that…

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Squatters Occupy London Mansion Owned By Russian Oligarch

Wed, 2022-03-16 08:00

Squatters have occupied the London mansion of a Russian oligarch sanctioned by the British government, displaying a sign saying “this property has been liberated” and calling for the seven-bedroom mansion to be made available to Ukrainian refugees. What do you think?

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Tom Brady Cancels Retirement After 2 Months

Tue, 2022-03-15 17:30

NFL quarterback Tom Brady said he will return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just two months after announcing his retirement, saying his “place is still on the field.” What do you think?

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Supreme Court Justices Sheepishly Admit All Of Their Spouses Attended Jan. 6 Riot

Tue, 2022-03-15 16:10

WASHINGTON—Shrugging as they revealed that every one of their husbands and wives had participated, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court sheepishly admitted Tuesday that not only Ginni Thomas, but all of their spouses had attended the Jan. 6 riot. “Well, yeah, if you really need to know, my wife Joanna was at the…

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Oil Companies Lament Rising Price Of Joe Manchin

Tue, 2022-03-15 14:05

IRVING, TX—In the wake of global turmoil and worsening inflation, oil companies were lamenting the rising price of Joe Manchin, sources confirmed Tuesday. “With the economy what it is and a split Senate, it seems like the price just keeps going up and up nearly every day,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, who was…

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Kamala Harris Nudges Stack Of Papers Off Desk To Distract Aide Before Twisting Office Clock To 5 P.M.

Tue, 2022-03-15 12:50

WASHINGTON—Sighing as she watched the minutes of her afternoon tick by in what reportedly felt like an eternity, Vice President Kamala Harris nudged a stack of papers off a desk Tuesday in order to distract a top aide and change the office clock to read 5 p.m., according to White House sources. “Oh, clumsy me—do you…

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Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent

Tue, 2022-03-15 12:40

This doesn’t make any sense. They can essentially accomplish this same thing without ever touching your throat!

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Professor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA Tournament

Tue, 2022-03-15 10:52

PROVIDENCE, RI—Telling the student that he needed to come up with a better excuse for not handing in assignments on time, a Providence College professor was reportedly not buying A.J. Reeves’ bullshit Tuesday about having to play in the NCAA tournament. “Listen, I’m a reasonable person, but you can’t just waltz in…

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Report Finds Average U.S. High Schooler Writes Manifesto At 2nd-Grade Level

Tue, 2022-03-15 10:46

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—In the latest evidence of declining education standards, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Purdue University found that the average U.S. high schooler writes a manifesto at a second-grade level. “The sophomores who call in bombs threats and the juniors who shoot up their schools typically…

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Goldendoodle Not Good With People Who Earn Less Than 6 Figures

Tue, 2022-03-15 10:45

SAN JOSE, CA—As he apologized for the loudly barking dog that he swore wasn’t like this with people in higher income brackets, local pet owner David Muskin told a man he encountered on a walk Tuesday that his goldendoodle wasn’t good with anyone who earns less than six figures. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry—he must smell…

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