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Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

Fri, 2022-01-07 11:42

Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.

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Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day

Fri, 2022-01-07 09:00

TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick,…

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Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

Thu, 2022-01-06 17:56

WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to…

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CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

Thu, 2022-01-06 16:55

WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had …

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2022 Grammy Awards Postponed

Thu, 2022-01-06 16:20

Grammy organizers have announced that the award show, originally slated for Jan. 31, will be rescheduled for an undetermined later date, citing “the uncertainty surrounding the Omicron variant.” What do you think?

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Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

Thu, 2022-01-06 15:56

WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence…

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Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot

Thu, 2022-01-06 15:17

It’s been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile…

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Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours

Thu, 2022-01-06 15:06

A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think?

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Hair, There, and Everywhere

Thu, 2022-01-06 10:13
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Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root

Thu, 2022-01-06 10:08

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the…

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‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

Thu, 2022-01-06 10:06

Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life.

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U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

Thu, 2022-01-06 10:05

WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in …

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Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip

Thu, 2022-01-06 09:00

SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn’t help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. “I’m not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,”…

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NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck

Wed, 2022-01-05 16:39

A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?

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J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

Wed, 2022-01-05 16:31

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. “Obviously, I’ve always portrayed Ron as a lowly…

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Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns

Wed, 2022-01-05 15:41

DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible…

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Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich

Wed, 2022-01-05 15:05

JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we…

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Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud

Wed, 2022-01-05 15:00

A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?

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