The Onion

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Updated: 15 hours 5 min ago

Company Celebrates Employee’s 40 Steadfast Years Of Being Unable To Retire

Wed, 2022-03-09 09:00

FORT SMITH, AR—Offering her big smiles and pats on the shoulder as they passed around slices of cake, staff at a local branch office of Belle Point Insurance celebrated employee Kathy Vershbow for her 40 steadfast years of being unable to retire, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s been wonderful to see Kathy’s…

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Gas Prices In U.S. Hit Record High At $4.17 Per Gallon

Tue, 2022-03-08 17:57

The national average price of gas has hit a record $4.17 per gallon as President Biden announced a ban on Russian oil, natural gas, and coal imports in response to the country’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?

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‘The Onion’ Promises Russian Oil Will Remain Available In ‘The Onion’ Store

Tue, 2022-03-08 17:30

NEW YORK—Pledging to keep supplies line open in the face of reckless choices by Western leaders, The Onion released a statement Tuesday promising that Russian oil would remain available in its company store. “In response to the international community’s brash actions banning Russia’s petroleum exports, we want to…

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Worst Social Media Mistakes You Can Make While Posting About War

Tue, 2022-03-08 14:25

Social media can be both a tool for good and a tool for evil, depending on how you decide to use it. When posting about an international conflict and the resulting fallout, here are the worst mistakes you can make.

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Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise

Tue, 2022-03-08 11:00

WASHINGTON—After booking a conference room in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to focus on the project, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spent Tuesday putting together a Keynote presentation on reasons why she deserves a raise. “All right, I definitely want to get right away to the fact that I barely…

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Pope Francis Urges World To Respect Every Person’s Beliefs About Pizza Toppings

Tue, 2022-03-08 11:00


VATICAN CITY—Delivering an impassioned address from St. Peter’s Basilica to believers of all denominations across the globe, Pope Francis urged the world Tuesday to respect every person’s beliefs about pizza toppings. “I speak today to all peace-loving citizens of the world, imploring them to care for one another…

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Friend Maybe Bit Too Available After Having Baby

Tue, 2022-03-08 11:00

ROCHESTER, MN—Caught off guard by the new mother’s eagerness to make plans, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Elise Andersen was maybe a bit too available after having a baby. “I told her, ‘I totally get that you’re going to have your hands full for a while,’ and she sent me a link to an EDM-themed bar…

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Netflix’s ‘The Crown’, ‘Lupin’ Sets Robbed Of $500K In Props, Equipment

Tue, 2022-03-08 09:00

Netflix has been the victim of two big on-set robberies in the space of two days, with thieves stealing $200,000 worth of props from The Crown and $330,000 worth of equipment from the set of Lupin in Paris. What do you think?

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Kanye West Video Depicts Him Killing Pete Davidson

Mon, 2022-03-07 17:51

Ye, formerly Kanye West, has released an animated music video for the song “Eazy” in which a claymation version of him kidnaps another character resembling Pete Davidson, his ex-wife Kim Kardashian’s current boyfriend, and buries him alive. What do you think?

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Job Creationist Believes There Only One True CEO Who Made All Jobs From On High

Mon, 2022-03-07 15:20

DALLAS—Insisting that every form of compensated employment was established by a supreme executive, job creationist Jonathan Lamar told reporters Tuesday that he strongly believed there was only one true CEO who made all jobs from on high. “This world’s many positions of paid labor were brought into existence by an…

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Things To Never Say To A Child About Nuclear War

Mon, 2022-03-07 15:00

With Russia placing its nuclear stockpile on high alert, many are comparing today’s political climate with that of the Cold War. When your child inevitably comes to you with questions about nuclear war, here are things you should never say.

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Quality Time With Son Mostly Spent Convincing Him Not To Tell Mom About Affair

Mon, 2022-03-07 13:55

SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to keep the infidelity a secret, local man Darren Quimby mostly used the quality time he spent with his son Tyler this week to convince him not to tell mom about his affair. “Before we check out the next mini golf hole, I just wanted to make sure you’re not going to let mom know what you…

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Biden Provides Nuclear Codes To Scammer Pretending To Be Pentagon

Mon, 2022-03-07 13:35

WASHINGTON—In an apparent phishing attack that has severely compromised U.S. national security, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden had inadvertently provided the military’s nuclear launch codes to a hacker who emailed him pretending to be the Pentagon. “I am general of the pentigon [sic] and we have…

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Fitbit Recalls Over One Million Ionic Smartwatches Over Burn Injury Risk

Mon, 2022-03-07 12:19

Google-owned Fitbit has recalled more than a million of its Ionic smartwatches after receiving almost 200 reports of overheating batteries causing burn injuries. What do you think?

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Wimpy Little Pistol That Angry Teen Brought To School Just Makes Bullying Worse

Mon, 2022-03-07 12:00

AINSWORTH, OH—Citing the marked increase in torment he faced after removing the weapon from his backpack, sources confirmed Monday that the wimpy little pistol brought to school by angry local teen Derek Delhano only served to make him the recipient of even more bullying. “Oh, man, this is classic Derek—did you really…

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Small Town Teen Dreams Of Someday Becoming Memorial Highway

Mon, 2022-03-07 11:55

TAFT, CA—Smiling as he imagined his name being displayed on a road sign in large reflective letters, local small town teen Zack Kent announced Monday that he had big dreams of someday becoming a memorial highway. “I know it sounds crazy, but I really think I have what it takes to make it to that level,” said Kent, a…

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Judd Apatow Criticized For Nepotism After Casting Own Sperm To Star In New Movie

Mon, 2022-03-07 11:50

LOS ANGELES—Calling the choice both lazy and uninspired, top film reviewers criticized Judd Apatow for nepotism Monday after the director and producer cast his own sperm to star in his new movie, The Bubble. “Rather than cast a wide net and discover new talent, Judd Apatow has once again decided to rely on those close…

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