The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 12 hours 19 min ago

IT Guy Requests Employees Stop Placing Difficult-To-Remove Stickers On Him

Thu, 2022-06-23 08:00

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that people were specifically forbidden from vandalizing things that were technically company property, local IT guy Ron Freeman told employees Thursday to stop placing difficult-to-remove stickers on him. “Hi all, just a reminder to please, please stop putting stickers on my body—it’s unsightly,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Russian Journalist Auctions Off Nobel Peace Prize For $103.5 Million To Help Ukraine

Thu, 2022-06-23 08:00

Dmitry Muratov, the co-winner of the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize and the editor of one of Russia’s last major independent newspapers, auctioned off his Nobel medal for a record $103.5 million to aid children displaced by the war in Ukraine. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull

Thu, 2022-06-23 08:00

Most pit bull owners are just as insane as the dogs they own. Never say the following things to someone who has a pit bull.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Grandma Coughing Better These Days

Thu, 2022-06-23 08:00

LOUISVILLE, KY—Confirming that the woman finally turned a corner after symptoms first developed more than 20 years ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local grandmother Patricia Riner was coughing better these days. “She seems to be turning less purple during it, which is good,” said daughter Lori Billig, Riner’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Supreme Court Approves Use Of Public Money For Religious Education

Wed, 2022-06-22 15:47

The Supreme Court ruled that Maine cannot exclude religious schools from a state tuition assistance program, a decision that critics say further erodes the separation of church and state. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Experts Recommend Raising Minimum Age For Committing Mass Shootings To 21

Wed, 2022-06-22 14:40

WASHINGTON—In a policy recommendation they described as an important first step toward ending the nation’s gun violence epidemic, experts at the Brookings Institution suggested Wednesday that the minimum age for committing a mass shooting be raised to 21. “Though it would not prevent all deadly gun rampages,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Footage Shows Uvalde Police Rushing Into School To Take Selfies With Shooter

Wed, 2022-06-22 14:35

UVALDE, TX—Creating another wave of anger toward the beleaguered police department, new footage released Wednesday showed Uvalde officers rushing into Robb Elementary School to take selfies with the shooter. “These police officers could have stopped the shooter in three minutes, but instead, they wasted over an hour…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Preacher Not Drenched In Sweat Must Not Be Very Connected To Holy Spirit

Wed, 2022-06-22 08:10

SAVANNAH, GA—Remarking upon his ability to proclaim the Gospel of the Lord without his pulse even rising, congregants at the local Church of the Divine Jesus told reporters Wednesday that their preacher, who was not drenched in perspiration, clearly had no direct connection to the Holy Spirit. “How am I supposed to…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Florida Only State Not Preordering Toddler Covid-19 Vaccines

Wed, 2022-06-22 08:00

Florida governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will not facilitate distribution of the Covid-19 vaccine for toddlers ahead of its final approval by the government, making Florida the only state not to do so, which could delay availability to children’s hospitals. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Woman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be Tempted

Wed, 2022-06-22 08:00

ORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman Abby Harding reportedly threw away all the food in the grocery store Wednesday so she wouldn’t be tempted. “Oh no, no, no, I know myself—if I have entire aisles of chips, cookies, and ice cream just lying…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot

Wed, 2022-06-22 08:00

SUGAR LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative techniques on display, local man Leeland Cheney, 43, told reporters Wednesday that he found a zoetrope a little thin on plot. “Of course, it’s technically impressive, but the high-octane thrills of a horse galloping up and down can only keep a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp

Wed, 2022-06-22 07:57

HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Indoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street Racing

Wed, 2022-06-22 07:55

DAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for competitive driving, local woman Lizzy Gelson told reporters Wednesday that her indoor cat Fluffers wouldn’t last a day in the high-octane world of street racing. “This pampered little fella has never even left…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Children Served Floor Sealant Instead Of Milk At Alaska Day Care

Tue, 2022-06-21 16:03

Twelve elementary school children in Juneau, AK drank floor sealant they thought was milk after it was served to students at a summer care program, the chemical revealed to have been stored in a food warehouse by mistake. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Wife Fact: Did You Know?

Tue, 2022-06-21 14:56
Categories: The Onion

Pay Palm Bomb

Tue, 2022-06-21 13:53
Categories: The Onion