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Things That Soldier Has Seen Will Haunt Him For Rest Of Afternoon

Wed, 2022-01-05 14:55

BAGHDAD—Staring into the middle distance as the day’s atrocities replayed in his head, U.S. Army Pfc. Jake Citterton told reporters Friday that he had seen things he feared would haunt him for the rest of the afternoon. “The blood, the screaming, the looks on the children’s faces—I don’t know if I’m going to be able…

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Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change

Wed, 2022-01-05 09:00

NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my…

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FDA Approves First Injectable HIV Prevention Drug

Tue, 2022-01-04 15:45

For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?

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‘Trevor’ Tops List Of 2021’s Most Popular Bridge Names

Tue, 2022-01-04 15:27

WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said…

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Republican Party To Pay $1.6 Million Of Trump’s Legal Bills

Tue, 2022-01-04 14:38

The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?

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Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm

Tue, 2022-01-04 14:27

STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up before getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was…

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Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now

Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and…

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Excuses To Get Out Of Work That Bosses See Right Through

Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.

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City Announces Construction Of 20 New Miles Of Secret Underground Tunnels For Vloggers To Explore

Tue, 2022-01-04 09:00

SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for…

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Paleontologists Discover Fossil Evidence Of Career-Oriented Dinosaur Who Froze Eggs

Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

MEADE COUNTY, SD—In a first-of-its-kind discovery that suggests not all Cretaceous-period females prioritized the traditional goals of settling down and having children, paleontologists from Boston University announced Monday they had found fossil evidence of a career-oriented dinosaur who froze her eggs. “This

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Study: Vaping Doubles Risk Of Erectile Dysfunction

Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

A recent study has discovered that healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine daily were more than twice as likely to report experiencing erectile dysfunction. What do you think?

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Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.

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New Year’s Resolutions

Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?

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BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death…

Mon, 2022-01-03 09:00

NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled…

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Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website

Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel…

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Artist Crafting Music Box Hopes It Delights At Least One Child In Post-Apocalypse

Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

TEMPE, AZ—Telling reporters that the notion helped inspire him to continue creating, Keith Gein, a local music box artisan, expressed his hope Friday that his latest work would delight at least one child in the post-apocalypse. “I work hard on each of my crafted items, so it’s nice to imagine that eventually one of…

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Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House

Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still “undetermined.” What do you think?

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Dictionary.Com Names ‘Allyship’ 2021 Word Of The Year

Fri, 2021-12-31 09:00

Dictionary.com has named “allyship” as its word of the year for 2021, noting the old noun taking on another definition: “The role of a person who advocates for inclusion of a ‘marginalized or politicized group’ in solidarity but not as a member.” What do you think?

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