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The Onion
Grandma Didn’t Exactly Live In 6 Countries Because She Loved To Travel
OAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real jet-setter,” local man Josh Novak was reportedly surprised to learn Friday that his grandmother didn’t exactly live in six countries because she loved to travel. “I always thought travel was Grandma’s…
Kid With Kitchen Play Set In Bedroom One-Upped By Poor Friend Who Sleeps Next To Real Stove
HOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison Fritsch, who reportedly has a kitchen play set in her bedroom, had been one-upped Friday by a poor friend who actually got to sleep next to a real stove. “Wow, I thought having a toy kitchen in my room was…
Black Woman Spends Out-Of-Body Experience Yelling At Paramedics To Actually Help Her
Ancient Greek ‘Yearbook’ Discovered On 2,000-Year-Old Tablet
A recently translated 2,000-year-old Greek marble tablet is being recognized as a primitive version of a yearbook that includes the signatures of students completing ephebate, a military training and civic education program of the era. What do you think?
Company Offering $2,000 To Release 100 Cockroaches Into Home
A pest control company in Raleigh, NC is offering $2,000 to release 100 cockroaches into the homes of volunteers as part of a study on the efficacy of various DIY cockroach treatments. What do you think?
Tampon Shortage Solved After Woman Shakes Out Bag
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Following weeks of low stock and empty shelves at many of the nation’s drugstores, the maker of Tampax products announced Thursday that the tampon shortage had been resolved after a local woman shook out her bag and rummaged through all the items that had accumulated inside it. “Thankfully, we…
Top Experts Divided On Whether It’s Better To Beat The Heat Or Have Fun In The Sun
WASHINGTON—Debating the best public course of action for dealing with the record-breaking temperatures expected across the country this week, top experts were reportedly divided Thursday on whether it was better to beat the heat or have fun in the sun. “On the one hand, heatstroke is very serious and people should…
Study Links Postpartum Depression To Baby Immediately Slapping, Flipping Off Mother After Birth
NEW YORK—In what doctors are calling a landmark discovery vital to understanding mental health, a new study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Psychology found that postpartum depression was directly linked to a baby immediately slapping and flipping off its mother after birth. “In terms of a woman…
BREAKING: Onion Lotto Jackpot Up To 9 Bucks
CHICAGO—Boasting the largest payout in the history of the game, officials announced Thursday that the Onion Lotto Jackpot was now up to nine bucks. “Play the Onion Lottery now for your chance to win the grand prize of nine whole dollars—and counting,” the statement read in part, adding that it was not too late to buy…
Motorcycle-Revving Janet Yellen Folds Up Picture Of Cryptocurrency Before Speeding Away
WASHINGTON—Wrapping her leather-gloved hand around the throttle of a vintage Harley-Davidson, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen folded up a picture of a highly volatile new cryptocurrency, revved her bike’s engine, and sped away in pursuit, sources at the scene reported Thursday. “You can run, but you can’t stay…
Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad
Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s…
New Ohio Law Allows School Employees To Carry Guns With 24 Hours Of Training
Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new bill into law that makes it easier for teachers and staff to carry guns on school premises, reducing the hours of training required for armed school personnel from 700 to 24. What do you think?
Over 100 Million Americans Under Extreme Heat Advisories Across U.S.
More than 100 million Americans are under a heat advisory this week, with officials urging people to stay indoors as record-breaking temperatures topping 10 to 30 degrees above normal are expected in many areas of the country. What do you think?
Biggest Republican Talking Points To Downplay January 6
As the House committee on the Jan. 6 insurrection continues its public hearings, Republicans are scrambling to shift the blame away from themselves. Here are the biggest talking points the GOP is using to downplay the Capitol riots.
NASA Astronauts Prepare For Mission To Mars By Spending Year Living In Simulated Colony On Venus
GOEPPERT-MAYER CRATER, VENUS—Saying the team would return with invaluable knowledge about what’s needed to survive in a hostile environment, NASA astronauts reportedly began preparing for a mission to Mars by spending a year living in a simulated colony on Venus. “While it may not exactly mimic the planetary…