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Updated: 17 hours 38 min ago

A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson

Thu, 2022-05-05 12:50

Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.

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Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup

Thu, 2022-05-05 12:40

NASHUA, NH—Offering of-age friends and family an opportunity to learn how their relationship began, the wedding website of engaged couple Marc Guerrero, 26, and Karina Rivlin, 27, includes an 18-plus section where guests can read the story of the pair’s first hookup, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s such a nice…

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Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed

Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?

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Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

Thu, 2022-05-05 08:00

Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.

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Leaked Opinion Suggests Supreme Court Will Overturn ‘Roe V. Wade’

Wed, 2022-05-04 16:50

The Supreme Court will vote to strike down the landmark Roe V. Wade decision according to a leaked draft majority opinion written by Justice Samuel Alito, likely ending nearly 50 years of federal abortion protection. What do you think?

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Mars Introduces New Crab-Stuffed M&M’s

Wed, 2022-05-04 14:10

MCLEAN, VA—Stating that its latest confection was equally suitable as a movie snack or an hors-d’oeuvre, multinational candy manufacturer Mars Inc. announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new savory crab-stuffed M&M. “At long last, classic varieties such as original, peanut, and almond will be joined by an M&M…

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Barry White Estate Shares Previously Unreleased Album From Era When Singer Was Confused Virgin Frightened By Sex

Wed, 2022-05-04 14:00

LOS ANGELES—Making the extremely rare tracks available to the public for the first time, the Barry White estate issued a previously unreleased album Wednesday that represents an early era in which the R&B legend known for his sultry bass-baritone was still a confused virgin frightened by the idea of sex. “White was…

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2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch

Wed, 2022-05-04 11:14

The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.

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Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs

Wed, 2022-05-04 11:00

CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you…

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Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage

Wed, 2022-05-04 09:03

Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.

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Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’

Wed, 2022-05-04 08:00

MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always…

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Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies

Tue, 2022-05-03 16:40

Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?

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‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers

Tue, 2022-05-03 16:09

WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major…

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Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution

Tue, 2022-05-03 16:08

WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational…

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Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court

Tue, 2022-05-03 16:06

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights,…

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Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering

Tue, 2022-05-03 13:54

Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?

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What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion

Tue, 2022-05-03 11:38

Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.

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