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Locust-Swarmed Queen Elizabeth Announces 1,000-Year Reign Of Chaos During Brimstone Jubilee

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these…

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Scientists Discover Biggest Plant On Earth

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

Genetic testing has revealed that an underwater field of seagrass off the coast of Australia is a single organism covering 70 square miles, making the plant, which grows by repeatedly cloning itself, the largest on Earth. What do you think?

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Problematic Disney Attractions That Had To Be Redesigned

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

Don’t kill us, Disney adults. Some of this shit was pretty fucking bad. Here are the most problematic Disney attractions that had to be redesigned.

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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these

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Enlightened Judge Sentences Murderer To Ego Death By Means Of Ayahuasca

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be forced to undergo a state-mandated…

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FIFA Increases Revenue By Requiring Brand Tattoos For All Players

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

ZURICH—In an effort to add another global revenue stream, FIFA officials announced Friday that the association would begin requiring brand logo tattoos for all players. “Beginning with the 2022 World Cup qualifying matches, it will now be mandatory for all players to have at least one logo representing one of our…

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Babe Ruth Comparisons Grow After Hammered Shohei Ohtani Eats 53 Hot Dogs

The Onion - Fri, 2022-06-03 08:00

ANAHEIM, CA—With baseball experts and fans alike agreeing that a player of his abilities hadn’t been seen in the major leagues for a century, comparisons of Shohei Ohtani to the legendary Babe Ruth reportedly continued to grow Thursday after the hammered Los Angeles Angel ate 53 hot dogs. “Simply put, Ohtani is the…

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Las Vegas Chapels Told By Licensing Company To Stop Elvis-Themed Weddings

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 16:29

The licensing company that controls the use of Elvis Presley’s name and image has ordered Las Vegas chapel operators to stop using Elvis in themed ceremonies. What do you think?

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Horny Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 13:13
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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 11:21

TULSA—In the days following a violent rampage in Oklahoma in which a lone attacker killed four individuals in addition to himself, and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the…

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Teachers React To Yet Another School Shooting

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:20

After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.

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Planned Parenthood Mounts Giant IUD Atop Headquarters To Harness Sperm-Killing Power Of Lightning

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:14

NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “Ha ha, ha ha! With this device, I will finally harness the…

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Pros And Cons Of Casinos

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:12

Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.

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Donda Sports Sets Modest Goal Of Only Ruining A Few Athletes’ Careers In First Year

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 09:11

LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The best way to get this business off the ground is to start small and…

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35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Yeah, it’s strange—I worked for this for years, and yet somehow,…

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FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned…

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Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?

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Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon

The Onion - Thu, 2022-06-02 08:00

ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow since we pulled out of Afghanistan, so we thought we’d crack open a…

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