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HHS: Doctors Must Provide Abortions In Medical Emergencies Regardless Of State Law
Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra announced that healthcare providers must provide abortions in medical emergencies under law and will face penalties if they decline to offer the procedure, saying that federal law preempts state abortion bans. What do you think?
Poll Finds Majority Of Voters Wish Biden Was Way Older
WASHINGTON—A new nationwide poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center reportedly found that the majority of American voters wish President Joe Biden was way older. “Our data revealed that an overwhelming number of participants want Joe Biden to be an inexplicably decrepit, shriveled husk who is so old that…
Timeline Of Elon Musk’s Bid To Buy Twitter
World’s wealthiest person Elon Musk recently announced he is terminating a $44 billion deal to buy social media site Twitter, the latest development in a highly contentious months-long purchase process. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of Musk’s bid to buy Twitter.
Things To Never Say To A Police Officer At A Protest
While the First Amendment protects the right to peaceful assembly, the police are often given wide latitude in their ability to disrupt protests, which allows them to use slight provocations in order to arrest or assault citizens. Here are things to never say to police officers at a protest.
Floating Abortion Clinic Proposed In Gulf To Bypass Bans
A California doctor is proposing a floating abortion clinic in the Gulf of Mexico as a way to maintain access for people in southern states where abortion bans have been enacted, offering first trimester surgical abortion in federal waters outside the reach of state laws. What do you think?
Dumbass Widow Apparently Thinks Little Handful Of Dirt Thrown On Coffin All It Takes To Bury Husband
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Questioning exactly how she intended to put the dead to rest with such a weak effort, sources confirmed Wednesday that dumbass widow Lilith Frampton apparently thought a little handful of dirt thrown on her husband’s coffin would be all that it took to bury him. “Seriously? Did she really think that…
Man Not Going To Walk Faster Just Because Coworker Holding Open Critical Reactor’s Blast Door For Him
TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into…
Report: You Going To Be Alone For Rest Of Your Life And The Reason Is You Refuse To Take A Bath
NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your…
New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans
SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining…
Report: Deepest, Sharpest Images Of Distant Universe Pale In Comparison To Lisa Frank Folder
WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is technically impressive,…
Weed Killer Chemical Tied To Cancer Found In 80% Of U.S. Urine Samples
A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?
Elon Musk Tries To Back Out Of Twitter Deal By Deleting App From Phone
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed…
Amazon Supervisor Delivers Rousing Speech To Employees About Honorably Laying Down Lives For Prime Day
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on…
Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton
NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…
Nashville Hot Dog Eatery Offering Free Milkshake With Proof Of Vasectomy
A Nashville hot dog eatery is offering customers a free milkshake for showing a doctor’s note as proof of having had a vasectomy in a promotion inspired by the overturning of Roe v. Wade and offered as an incentive for having the birth control procedure. What do you think?
Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen
PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen before, maybe one of those birds everyone is talking about like…