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Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.
Amid book bans, Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law, and vocal protests against drag brunches, one word keeps popping up again and again: grooming. The Onion asked right-wing parents to try to define the word they love to throw around so much, and this is what they said.
SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the importance of not making judgments on the basis of a stereotype, local progressive man Jesse Hammond told reporters Friday he was careful never to assume someone was a genie just because they had floated out of a golden lamp. “When you rub an ancient oil lamp and someone emerges from its spout…
CHICAGO—Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while…
PORTLAND, ME—Praising the child for the maturity he had shown in coping with such a difficult life event, sources confirmed Friday that 7-year-old Bryce Sanders seemed to be internalizing and suppressing his emotions about his parents’ divorce surprisingly well. “Obviously, I was worried Bryce might have a rough…
LOS ANGELES—In a new paper published Friday in The Journal Of Razzle Dazzle, researchers at Tinseltown University have presented the results of an in-depth study that found either ya got it or ya don’t. “Listen here, doll—ya either got it, or ya don’t got it, and that’s all there is to it,” said Jack Stanton, a…
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be left on the floor. “Noah isn’t mobile yet, so it’s fine—you can just plop…