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Woman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be Tempted

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-22 08:00

ORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman Abby Harding reportedly threw away all the food in the grocery store Wednesday so she wouldn’t be tempted. “Oh no, no, no, I know myself—if I have entire aisles of chips, cookies, and ice cream just lying…

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Categories: The Onion

Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-22 08:00

SUGAR LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative techniques on display, local man Leeland Cheney, 43, told reporters Wednesday that he found a zoetrope a little thin on plot. “Of course, it’s technically impressive, but the high-octane thrills of a horse galloping up and down can only keep a…

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Categories: The Onion

Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-22 07:57

HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my…

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Categories: The Onion

Indoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street Racing

The Onion - Wed, 2022-06-22 07:55

DAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for competitive driving, local woman Lizzy Gelson told reporters Wednesday that her indoor cat Fluffers wouldn’t last a day in the high-octane world of street racing. “This pampered little fella has never even left…

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Categories: The Onion

Georgia: Borjomi strike ends

LabourStart - Tue, 2022-06-21 20:00
LabourStart headline - Source: Trade Union of Agriculture, Trade and Industry

Children Served Floor Sealant Instead Of Milk At Alaska Day Care

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 16:03

Twelve elementary school children in Juneau, AK drank floor sealant they thought was milk after it was served to students at a summer care program, the chemical revealed to have been stored in a food warehouse by mistake. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Wife Fact: Did You Know?

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 14:56
Categories: The Onion

Videos from the 2022 Labor Notes Conference

Steward's Corner - Tue, 2022-06-21 14:53

Wow! What an amazing weekend. Thank you to all 4,000 troublemakers who converged in Chicago June 17-19 and made this year's Labor Notes Conference incredible.

The energy you brought, the stories you shared, the connections you made, the ideas and plans you're bringing back home—that's what it's all about.

Special thanks to everyone who volunteered their time, interpreted between languages, donated money, spoke in workshops and panels, led meetings, and shared songs, poems, and art!

Categories: Labor Notes

Videos from the 2022 Labor Notes Conference

Magazine Stories - Tue, 2022-06-21 14:53

Wow! What an amazing weekend. Thank you to all 4,000 troublemakers who converged in Chicago June 17-19 and made this year's Labor Notes Conference incredible.

The energy you brought, the stories you shared, the connections you made, the ideas and plans you're bringing back home—that's what it's all about.

Special thanks to everyone who volunteered their time, interpreted between languages, donated money, spoke in workshops and panels, led meetings, and shared songs, poems, and art!

Categories: Labor Notes

Pay Palm Bomb

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 13:53
Categories: The Onion

Experts Say Ongoing Institutional Crisis In Haiti Could Be Decisive Piece Of Knowledge That Makes You Seem Smart

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 07:01

NEW YORK—In a press conference addressing the ongoing situation in the Caribbean country, an expert council at the U.N. announced Tuesday that Haiti’s ongoing institutional crisis could be the decisive piece of knowledge that makes you seem smart. “We’re seeing an alarming decline in institutional stability and…

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Categories: The Onion

Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:45

MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things…

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Categories: The Onion

Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:35

After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.

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Categories: The Onion

BTK Ready To Start Dating Again

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 06:00

EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a…

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Categories: The Onion

Mental Health Experts Warn Lack Of Purpose, Accomplishments Could Be Sign Democratic Leaders Depressed

The Onion - Tue, 2022-06-21 05:30

WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed.…

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Categories: The Onion

China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Encouraging Report Finds Most Of Planet Will Still Be Habitable In 2023

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data…

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Categories: The Onion

Britney Spears Placed Under Conservatorship Again After Court Determines She’s Having Too Much Fun

The Onion - Mon, 2022-06-20 07:31

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said…

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Categories: The Onion
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