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‘They Made Her Way Less Hot,’ Complains Conservative Pundit Looking At Picture Of His Mom
ORLANDO, FL—Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality, local conservative pundit James Hughes posted an online rant Thursday complaining that “they made her way less hot” while looking at a photo of his mom. “It’s disgusting, for years she was this gorgeous,…
Jimmy Carter Makes Pact With Dianne Feinstein That If Both Single In 50 Years They’ll Marry Each Other
PLAINS, GA—Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. “Look, I know we’ve had our…
Danelo Cavalcante Returns To Empty Pennsylvania Prison After Everyone Else Escapes
COLLEGEVILLE, PA—Finding himself all alone in the maximum-security Pennsylvania facility, convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly returned to an empty prison Thursday after everyone else had escaped. “Hello?” said Calvacante, whose voice echoed off the concrete walls as he wandered through the 3,830-bed prison…
Neuralink Monkeys Reveal What It’s Like Working With Elon Musk
Elon Musk’s company Neuralink confirmed that dozens of its primate test subjects died after having medical devices implanted in their brains. The Onion asked Neuralink monkeys what it’s like working with the billionaire tech genius, and this is what they said.
Man Requests Spotter For Particularly Messy Sandwich
DEERFIELD, IL—Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. “Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here— this thing is pretty heavy,” said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned…
Suburbanites Baffled By Person Outdoors Who Isn’t Delivering Something
SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this…
Report: Some Group Called ‘Dads For America’ Currently Running Over Your Kid’s Teacher With A Car
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Screaming incoherently about transgender girls in sports and the need to teach children cursive so they can learn to read the Constitution, some group called Dads for America is currently trying to run over your kid’s teacher with a car, sources confirmed Thursday. The group of local fathers, who…
Elon Musk Claims Women He Impregnated Were All Terminal
BOCA CHICA, TX—Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told reporters this week that the women he had impregnated over the years had all been terminally ill. “While many claim these test subjects suffered or were mistreated, the truth is they were already destined to…
Service & Solidarity Spotlight: 1,100 UAW Members at Blue Cross Blue Shield Michigan Go on Strike
Working people across the United States have stepped up to help out our friends, neighbors and communities during these trying times. In our Service & Solidarity Spotlight series, we'll showcase one of these stories every day. Here’s today’s story.
About 1,100 Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan workers who work call center and claims processing jobs went on strike Wednesday. The workers are members of the International Union, United Automobile, Aerospace and Agricultural Implement Workers of America (UAW). They walked off the job in pursuit of a fair contract.
“These people are the heart and soul of Blue Cross Blue Shield,” said Steve Dawes, director of UAW Region 1D. “They are the ones who take care of the people when they are in the most important time of need in their life. When the CEO of this corporation makes well above $15 million a year and it takes a new hire here 22 years to reach top rate, we have a serious problem with this company.
Kenneth Quinnell Thu, 09/14/2023 - 07:54Catholics Flock To Church To See ‘Intact’ Remains Of Nun Who Died In 2019
Thousands of Christians have flocked to a small Missouri town to see the exhumed body of a nun who has barely decomposed since she died in 2019, with some claiming her ‘incorrupt’ body signals sainthood. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Joe Biden
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.
Americans React To Nancy Pelosi Running For Reelection
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced that she will seek a 20th congressional term in her district in San Francisco. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the 83-year-old running for reelection, and this is what they said.
Disgusted Teen Stumbles Upon Parents’ Crazy Sex Toy
PLATTSMOUTH, NE—Recoiling in shock after he opened a drawer and spotted the odd-looking implement, disgusted local teen Aiden Moore reported Thursday that he had stumbled upon a crazy sex toy belonging to his parents. “Oh my God, this is way too freaky—what hole are they even putting this into?” said Moore, 15, who…
Iran: Education International calls for urgent medical leave and release for imprisoned teacher trade union leader Jafar Ebrahimi
USA: Marvel VFX Workers Unanimously Vote to Unionize With IATSE
USA: United Auto Workers may strike at small number of factories if it can't reach deals with automakers
Portuguese Town Flooded By 600,000 Gallons Of Red Wine After Tanks Burst
Over 600,000 gallons of red wine rushed through the streets of São Lourenço do Bairro, Portugal, after two tanks at a nearby hilltop distillery broke open and sent the alcohol rushing through the town streets below. What do you think?
When Auto Workers Stand Up, Here's How to Stand with Them
September 14: This article has been updated to identify the plants where workers will strike on day one.
The Auto Workers (UAW) strike, which the union is dubbing the "Stand Up Strike," could be a turning point for the U.S. labor movement—and all of us across the movement can lend a hand to help the strikers win.
Cross-union solidarity can turn up the heat on the Big 3 to end tiers and make green jobs good jobs. It can also boost strikers’ morale and build connections that endure for years to come.
When Auto Workers Stand Up, Here's How to Stand with Them
September 14: This article has been updated to identify the plants where workers will strike on day one.
The Auto Workers (UAW) strike, which the union is dubbing the "Stand Up Strike," could be a turning point for the U.S. labor movement—and all of us across the movement can lend a hand to help the strikers win.
Cross-union solidarity can turn up the heat on the Big 3 to end tiers and make green jobs good jobs. It can also boost strikers’ morale and build connections that endure for years to come.