ORLANDO, FL—Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality, local conservative pundit James Hughes posted an online rant Thursday complaining that “they made her way less hot” while looking at a photo of his mom. “It’s disgusting, for years she was this gorgeous,…
PLAINS, GA—Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. “Look, I know we’ve had our…
COLLEGEVILLE, PA—Finding himself all alone in the maximum-security Pennsylvania facility, convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly returned to an empty prison Thursday after everyone else had escaped. “Hello?” said Calvacante, whose voice echoed off the concrete walls as he wandered through the 3,830-bed prison…
Elon Musk’s company Neuralink confirmed that dozens of its primate test subjects died after having medical devices implanted in their brains. The Onion asked Neuralink monkeys what it’s like working with the billionaire tech genius, and this is what they said.
DEERFIELD, IL—Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. “Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here— this thing is pretty heavy,” said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned…
SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this…
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Screaming incoherently about transgender girls in sports and the need to teach children cursive so they can learn to read the Constitution, some group called Dads for America is currently trying to run over your kid’s teacher with a car, sources confirmed Thursday. The group of local fathers, who…
BOCA CHICA, TX—Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told reporters this week that the women he had impregnated over the years had all been terminally ill. “While many claim these test subjects suffered or were mistreated, the truth is they were already destined to…
Working people across the United States have stepped up to help out our friends, neighbors and communities during these trying times. In our Service & Solidarity Spotlight series, we'll showcase one of these stories every day. Here’s today’s story.
About 1,100 Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan workers who work call center and claims processing jobs went on strike Wednesday. The workers are members of the International Union, United Automobile, Aerospace and Agricultural Implement Workers of America (UAW). They walked off the job in pursuit of a fair contract.
“These people are the heart and soul of Blue Cross Blue Shield,” said Steve Dawes, director of UAW Region 1D. “They are the ones who take care of the people when they are in the most important time of need in their life. When the CEO of this corporation makes well above $15 million a year and it takes a new hire here 22 years to reach top rate, we have a serious problem with this company.
Kenneth Quinnell Thu, 09/14/2023 - 07:54Thousands of Christians have flocked to a small Missouri town to see the exhumed body of a nun who has barely decomposed since she died in 2019, with some claiming her ‘incorrupt’ body signals sainthood. What do you think?
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced that she will seek a 20th congressional term in her district in San Francisco. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the 83-year-old running for reelection, and this is what they said.
PLATTSMOUTH, NE—Recoiling in shock after he opened a drawer and spotted the odd-looking implement, disgusted local teen Aiden Moore reported Thursday that he had stumbled upon a crazy sex toy belonging to his parents. “Oh my God, this is way too freaky—what hole are they even putting this into?” said Moore, 15, who…
Over 600,000 gallons of red wine rushed through the streets of São Lourenço do Bairro, Portugal, after two tanks at a nearby hilltop distillery broke open and sent the alcohol rushing through the town streets below. What do you think?
September 14: This article has been updated to identify the plants where workers will strike on day one.
The Auto Workers (UAW) strike, which the union is dubbing the "Stand Up Strike," could be a turning point for the U.S. labor movement—and all of us across the movement can lend a hand to help the strikers win.
Cross-union solidarity can turn up the heat on the Big 3 to end tiers and make green jobs good jobs. It can also boost strikers’ morale and build connections that endure for years to come.
September 14: This article has been updated to identify the plants where workers will strike on day one.
The Auto Workers (UAW) strike, which the union is dubbing the "Stand Up Strike," could be a turning point for the U.S. labor movement—and all of us across the movement can lend a hand to help the strikers win.
Cross-union solidarity can turn up the heat on the Big 3 to end tiers and make green jobs good jobs. It can also boost strikers’ morale and build connections that endure for years to come.