HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we…
PORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters Monday that he wasted a whole conversation getting to know his new neighbors who turned out to just be Airbnb guests. “I lost a full 30 minutes of my time talking to these people I thought had moved into…
In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.
NEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group president Brad Lindwasser told reporters Monday that one of his employees who regularly complained about not having enough days off was suddenly upset about getting fired. “He was always saying he needed more…
Mark Billingham, who is probably Britain’s finest living crime writer, has been knocking off a book a year, sometimes starring his main protagonist Tom Thorne, but sometimes with Thorne only having a walk-on part. In this year’s book, Thorne is centre stage. Working together with his two closest colleagues (and best friends) he is up against an old nemesis. I love these books not only because they’re cleverly-plotted, full of wit, and with characters I have grown to know well. I also love them because they’re largely set in Crouch End, Muswell Hill, Hornsey, Kentish Town and Highgate. In other words, in my neighbourhood. Highly recommended.
According to a new study, the U.S. could have saved more than 338,000 lives and more than $105 billion in healthcare costs in the Covid-19 pandemic with a universal healthcare system, citing delayed diagnosis and exacerbated transmission for the uninsured or underinsured in the current system. What do you think?
On Jan. 6, 2020, President Trump attempted to change the course of U.S. history forever. Rather than accept a loss, he asked me, Vice President Mike Pence, to step in and overturn the election in his favor.
WASHINGTON—With inflation at a 40-year high, the Federal Reserve raised its benchmark interest rate this week in an effort to—hey, come on, pay attention, this is really important! The Consumer Price Index has gone up 8.6% since May of last year, and so the Fed’s hike of three-quarters of a point is aimed at…hello?…
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled Friday for visitors condemned to spend the rest of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We are happy to offer our new accursed black wristbands to those damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most…
Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.
OAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real jet-setter,” local man Josh Novak was reportedly surprised to learn Friday that his grandmother didn’t exactly live in six countries because she loved to travel. “I always thought travel was Grandma’s…
HOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison Fritsch, who reportedly has a kitchen play set in her bedroom, had been one-upped Friday by a poor friend who actually got to sleep next to a real stove. “Wow, I thought having a toy kitchen in my room was…