Louisiana lawmakers have advanced a bill that would abolish abortion in the state, grant constitutional rights to “all unborn children from the moment of fertilization,” and classify abortion as a homicide crime. What do you think?
KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the series perfect for the cable network’s lineup of real estate and home improvement shows, HGTV president Jane Latman announced Monday the launch of a new program that sends a couple to old houses around the country to call them disgusting. “Every week, our fun and engaging hosts Curt and Kelly…
WASHINGTON—After reporting a sharp rise in the risky behavior, the American Pharmacists Association held a press conference Monday to warn patients not to share their prescription drugs with anyone who wouldn’t do the same for them. “It’s important never to give any of your prescribed medications to another person…
MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the incriminating evidence, a Louisiana police officer planted an aborted fetus on a Black suspect whom he subsequently arrested, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh ho, ho, ho! Look what we have here—you mind telling me…
“Free speech is getting to say the N-word, or any racial slur, without fear of demonization or persecution.”
A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her…
CLEVELAND—Revealing that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes, yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the novelty of…
TOPEKA, KS—Gathering to commemorate the loss of the family matriarch, relatives of local deceased woman Barbara King, 87, reportedly came to terms with their grandmother’s death Monday by accepting the fact that she totally sucked. “Sharing photos and stories about Grandma Babs has been an important part of the…
Having read (and loved) Sea of Tranquility I was surprised to discover the same characters in this earlier book by Emily St. John Mandel. I may be reading the books in the wrong order, but once you realise that time doesn’t flow in normal ways in these novels, it doesn’t really matter. While the more recent book has been labelled a time travel story, which was its appeal for me, this is more of a ghost story. Though neither of those labels are really fully accurate. Let’s just say that these are stories with characters one grows to care about, even if these characters are deeply flawed. I finished the book with a profound sense of sadness, and yet I would recommend it to others. If that makes any sense.
BROOKLYN, NY—Trying to shrink down on the bench where the girl couldn’t see her, local teacher Sabrina Ionescu was reportedly embarrassed Saturday after a student recognized her working at a second job. “Oh, shit, she’s waving at me,” the seventh-grade history teacher was heard to utter, reportedly hoping that the…
JERSEY CITY, NJ—Asking lots of questions about all the novel food items and charming rituals, Yahweh, Our Lord God and Creator, reportedly attended His first Shabbat dinner Friday night and was delighted by the experience. “Wow, I can’t believe I’ve never been to one of these before—it’s so interesting!” said the…
The Satanic Temple has requested to fly its flag over Boston City Hall after a recent Supreme Court ruling that the city violated a Christian group’s constitutional free speech rights by refusing to raise a flag bearing the image of a cross. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—A study released Friday by the National Sleep Foundation found that the average giant swallows as many as eight Americans in their sleep every year. “Our research indicates that slumbering giants swallow a small but statistically significant number of Americans per year, often after the pests…
SAN FRANCISCO—In order to stay up-to-date with the latest abortion laws and restrictions, period tracker app Cycle announced Friday that it had added a new “surrender to authorities” feature. “Starting today, users who are several days late or fully miss periods can select their crime, call the police, and confess…